FILE PHOTO -- The Flat Hat James Schafer

From the Sidelines
'Turkey Bowl' a holiday tradition

By James Schafer
Flat Hat Senior Staff Writer

The trash talking started about three weeks ago, right about the time we all realized that Thanksgiving Break was on the horizon. It started as it usually does, with an e-mail titled 'Turkey Bowl' and a message making fun of every single one of my friends from back home.

This will be our eighth annual Turkey Bowl. They date all the way back to my freshman year in high school, when we had to have someone drive us to the field so we could play. Thanksgiving is a great time to play football among friends, but my friends and I take it to a whole new level. Sure, we have all played a little backyard football, but trust me, when you have sent as many people to the hospital as we have you know you are on to something special.

Before college, when my friends lived in the same area, it was easy to put together a quality 10-on-10 game, but as the years wore on, the numbers dwindled and now we play five-on-five. And the best part is that, of the 10, three are now family members who are over 40.

Allow me to set the stage. We are an eclectic group, with ranges in size and age that pretty much represent the American population. Weights on our squad range from about 140 to about 250 pounds. Our shortest player is 5 feet, 8 inches and our tallest is 6' 4". Ages range from 16-years to late 50s.

We play for the love of the game, but since we are about as out of shape as humanly possible, we only play on a 50-yard field. Teams are always different, but there are rules about who can and cannot be on the same team. For example, one of my friends, Warren, and I always have to be on opposite teams because all we do is trash talk and run deep routes on each other.

For about the last five years the first play of the game has always been the same. We line up, I run right, Warren gets scared that I am going to hit him and then I go deep and, about half of the time, actually make the catch for the touchdown. It usually sets the tone for the game. Plus it gives the victor of that quick battle a hand up in the trash-talking department. We don't have field goals, so basically we are like Chris Carter -- all we do is score touchdowns.

Nicknames are key in this game among friends. Of course the nicknames are harsh and mean and totally non-PC. There's "Big Ha," who weighs about 250, is only 5' 9" and he eats -- a lot. We have "No Boundaries," so-named because he just broke up with his long term girlfriend this year and is making up for monogamy by hitting on just about every girl he sees. The names get worse, and, well, I can't print some of them or the reasons behind them. But trust me, if you hung out with us, you would think they were a riot.

It usually takes us about an hour to get really good injuries, but just like a fistfight on Jerry Springer, injuries are guaranteed. We usually come away with some good bruises, but as we have gotten bigger and started to turn into old men, the number of visits to the emergency room has definitely increased. Last year was definitely the zenith of our destructive prowess -- we sent not one, but two players to the hospital.

Some people might question why we keep playing if all we do is end up getting hurt. Well, that is definitely half the fun. I mean, chicks dig scars.

No one really remembers who wins or loses the game. In fact, after the post-game celebration we usually don't remember much, but all that matters is that we had fun, beat the crap out of each other and caught up on old times. Turkey Bowl 2001 should be great. Look for the highlights on ESPN, or the ER in-patient board.

James Schafer is a Flat Hat Senior Staff writer. He hopes that he catches some touchdowns and doesn't end up in the hospital this year.

James Schafer is a Flat Hat Senior Staff Writer who wishes that there hadn't been such a horrible reason to shut down sports.