I'm a busy man. I've got places to go, people to see. If you want to talk to me have my people call your people (yes, I have people).

It bothers me when I get too busy to eat until 8 p.m. on a weeknight. What are my options of where I can eat? The University Center? The Caf? The Marketplace? Nope. All the places where I can use my $1,000 meal plan are closed. Where does that leave me to get a meal on my -- get this -- "meal plan?" Nowhere. Absolutely nowhere. I have to go to Lodge 1 and use my flex points (no longer called credits, for some inane reason) to get low-quality food.

Simply put, I've been desensitized to the expectations of food here. It has gotten so bad that when I do go out to eat at a quality restaurant, I get stomach pains because my body can't handle the shift from food that is equivalent to gruel unfit for prisoners to food that doesn't have wax on the apples.

In short, I don't have a high standard for the food I get here on campus, but I expect myself to be able to eat when I want and not have to sacrifice half my college tuition to do so. (In my family it's about as easy to find $1,000 as it is to find a bum playing golf on a course for the rich).

It takes a fair amount of food to fill me up, so here I am at Lodge 1, thinking with my stomach. I get a pizza and a five-piece breadsticks. I take this food to the disinterested cashier, and he rings it up to a delectable number that can be rounded up to seven dollars. Seven dollars! Seven dollars for a pizza and a five-piece breadsticks?

If you look at the price list you'll see that a pizza costs $2.99. This means that the five-piece breadsticks must cost around four dollars. That just doesn't seem right, but alas what is right is not a concept that the meal plan people are aware of. The three-piece breadsticks cost $1.99, but for those extra two breadsticks in the five-piece, that bumps the cost up to a whopping $3.79. Wow, those extra two breadsticks must pack something special to be worth about 85 cents each. Whatever it is, I could use some of it to bring me out of the debt I'm going to be in when I run out of flex points!

I bring this complaint to my friends and they tell me that the catering company, Aramark, is losing money because of the high price of rent. I understand that the company that provides our food is losing their money, but it is unacceptable to me to have to pay, as the freshman are forced to buy the Gold plan, for something I've already paid for.

Hence, Aramark's solution to lose less money this year is to aggravate the student body. Yesterday I bought lunch at the Marketplace. When I went up to the cashier, I asked for it to be put on a meal, and the cashier said that she didn't think the wrap I had was something I could get on the meal plan. There was a sign that said all the wraps were on the meal plan, but now I was getting the opposite information.

Fortunately, I was able to buy the wrap on my meal plan, without having to cause an uprising. I'm not blaming the cashier, because apparently they have been changing the meals around; I do blame Aramark.

I blame them for only allowing me to be able to get one brownie, two cookies or one piece of fruit. I have constantly gone to the dessert section and found that there aren't any cookies or brownies there. What am I supposed to do? I don't want a piece of fruit. Why would I want to eat something healthy when I am already the definition of a pure male specimen? The answer: I can have a piece of banana bread that is as dry as a biscuit and the biscuit has more taste. I finally took the chance to grab an apple strudel when they were out of brownies and cookies, and to my happy surprise I was able to buy it with my meal plan. Go now all ye who are informed and buy that apple strudel that you want!

Buying a meal here is like trying to catch a train that left an hour ago. Huh? Don't understand the analogy -- well that is the point! I don't understand the meal plan!

I don't understand how they ring up the meals either. At the UC a lunch meal costs $5.95, while at the Marketplace a lunch meal costs $3.00. I can't help but think that I'm losing money. I've paid $1,000 for a meal plan that is supposed to guarantee me two meals a day. Why the different price for a meal at the UC and the Marketplace if you have a meal plan?

I don't understand the meal plan. I don't understand the people who only want my money, and don't care about quality. The people who work for them are the nicest people one could ever want to meet, but the communistic hooligans in charge need to re-evaluate things, especially in a few weeks when I won't be able to eat because I missed dinner one too many times. Bury me alive now so I can waste away and my parents can sue Aramark. Some good will at least come out of my death.

I will leave a legacy. I can see the headline now: Student dead at 19 because the College refused to feed him. Feed me, damn it, or I will share what evil lurks in the hearts of men, and it isn't pretty!

Andrew Rosendorf is a guest columnist. His views do not necessarily represent those of The Flat Hat.